


the shrike and the sharp thorn

by crownsandbirds



Series: heathen clung to the homily [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Characters Are Mentioned, Power Imbalance, Unhealthy Relationships, but they do love each other, hmm what else, it'd just be better if they weren't, they are in love, this is a side piece to an au i wrote over an year ago bc I'm ??? stupid, veery unhealthy relationship here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 13:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16097057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownsandbirds/pseuds/crownsandbirds
Summary: "Because Daichi’s a masochist who gets attached to pretty, sadistic, cruel things, which means he loves Suga so badly it physically aches sometimes. They’re the most perfect match to ever come out of a mental hospital."It's easy to be a shrike whose prey clings lovingly to the thorn while being killed, but Suga doesn't think Daichi quite counts as a prey anymore.





	the shrike and the sharp thorn

**Author's Note:**

> "i was housed by your warmth  
> but i was transformed  
> by your grounded and giving and darkening scorn;
> 
> remember me love, when i'm reborn  
> as the shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn."
> 
> (shrike - hozier)
> 
> [a shrike is a bird known for impaling its prey on thorns after killing it with its beak.]

Doctor Shimizu Kiyoko stares at him clinically over her tasteful glasses. "You're obsessed with Daichi."

He smiles even as his fingers twitch sickly where they rest at his thighs. The lights are too bright, too fucking bright and she really should know better she really should know he  _ hates _ bright white lights and - "Can you turn down the lights a little, please?"

"Sure," she agrees and reaches behind herself to turn off the white lights and leave on only the softer yellow lamps. "Better?"

Suga relaxes his shoulders and unclenches his jaw a little. "Better. Thank you."

"No problem. Now, talk to me. You're obsessed with Daichi. Why?" Shimizu twists her pen in her fingers. Usually, she avoids making notes during their individual sessions, but her and Suga have long ago given up on going to any sort of length to make each other comfortable. The pages in front of her are filled with her careful handwriting in black ink, technical words to describe the untouchable, ugly black hole that is Suga's mind. 

His fingers twitch again. He feels his upper lip curl slightly in distaste. "I'm not obsessed."

She writes down something. “Maybe a few weeks ago I could've given you some chance to defend your case, but after what you did when he was submitted to the observation room, I don't think I'll buy any of your word games anymore.”

_ It was all Daichi's fucking fault, I told him not to let you all see him, I told him he didn't have permission to try to kill himself, I told him -  _ Suga blinks once, twice, clears his mind of all the poisonous thoughts he's having regarding this particular subject, and keeps the smile on his face. "I was upset because my friend was going to spend a week away. You know we're all close. What's wrong with that?"

Shimizu sighs deeply. She sounds disappointed in him. She really shouldn't, he thinks, both of them are very much aware of how smart he is, and how he plays dumb and innocent just to see how far he'll able to stretch the boundaries of the believable in every session.

Today, it's not very far. Shimizu is not happy. "I'm not going to describe what you did, because I don't want to create a situation here where you think you can boast about your perversity and about every one of your temper tantrums. I don't want you to feel like this is a showdown in order to achieve attention, because it isn't. Even if in your ward everyone is competing for the randomest things, and you tend to come out as a winner in most of them, here I couldn't care less about your sense of achievement. You're very aware of what happened, and you know why you did it. All I'm asking is for you to tell me your motives."

Suga grinds his teeth. He hates being lectured, hates  _ hates _ , but he supposes he brought that one onto himself. It's confusing to him why Doctor Shimizu is so set on understanding his most recent master plan of destruction - it wasn't even his worst one. 

It wasn't even very well planned. He was just mad Daichi was away, so he triggered Kuroo into trashing their common room so badly they had to be temporarily moved to Kenma's ward while the hospital staff fixed the mess. After that, it was a nice couple of days, playing videogames with Kenma and napping with Tooru on the couch. Chess day was particularly nice that week. They're back in their own ward now and Kuroo's unstable all the way down to his bones, but that's hardly Suga's problem, and besides, it's making group sessions less devastatingly boring. 

"There weren't any  _ motives _ ," he says, and is a bit startled with how bitter his voice sounds. He didn't mean to sound affected. He does hate being lectured. "I was mad. So Kuroo can be destructively angry whenever he wants and Makki can slash his wrists when they move his boyfriend away but I can't be mad?"

Shimizu takes a small sip of her water bottle. "Suga, you're missing the point so badly I'm not sure if you're seriously not aware of what's going on or if you're just playing dumb."

"Tell me the point then, so we can get this over with, why don't you."

The doctor looks a bit more pleased now. She always looks pleased when she manages to crack Suga's polite, refreshing façade and reach the far more deranged core of his personality. Suga, on the other hand, being the one who works so carefully every day to  _ look  _ like a normal person, takes Shimizu's efforts to break that as an insult to all his hard work. 

“I told you in the beginning. You're obsessed with Daichi. He has always shown a less than healthy attachment to you, but that's nothing new to me or anyone else who has ever seen the two of you together. However, you're not only obsessed with him, but you're also starting to get heavily affected when it comes to any situation regarding him that isn't in your absolute control. The situation with Kuroo only proved that.” 

Suga shrugs. He’s not going to give her that one so easily. “If you’re so sure of everything that's going on between me and Dai, what is it that you still want to know?”

They’re talking in circles, and he knows that. The more frustrated he manages to get Shimizu, the easier it is to guide this conversation to where he wants. It’s a strategy he uses so often it’s starting to reach his unconscious.

“Why him? Why not Oikawa, who, according to your own words, is  _ so easy to control _ ? Why not Asahi, whom you could break so easily and you know that? Daichi is probably the one patient in your ward that could be released some time soon, and you and you alone are destroying that. I don't think you're doing it for the sake of chaos alone, otherwise, you’d have many other, better options, and I want to understand.”

Suga diverts his gaze to the shelf of books behind the doctor's chair. He remembers being young, awful and sharp and destructive, and being brought here for the first time, looking at all the titles and spines while the adults talked about how much of a threat he was to normal society, how badly they were scared of him, how he set fire to things and watched the flames consume it all to ashes, how he needed to be kept away from everyone who ever wanted to lead a decent life. 

Shimizu had never been afraid of him, only ever curious and caring and sometimes frustrated, but never scared. Which is why he decides to give her a piece of what's going on inside the entropy-driven chaotic galaxy in his brain. “I like him. I like talking to him and being with him.”

“Is that your way of saying you’re in love?"

He takes a moment to think about it. 

Sometimes, he sneaks into Daichi's room - ideally, they would share a bunk, but Suga hasn't been allowed any roommates since forever, and that's a rule he hasn't ever been able to break. But it's okay because Daichi shares with Asahi and Suga adores Asahi so it's easy to placate him. 

Suga sneaks into Daichi's room when Asahi is out, and he lies down next to him on the upper bunk, and hugs him from behind, hands him his knife and watches as Daichi relapses. He presses kisses behind his ear in that particular spot that gets him the prettiest shivers, whispers how much he loves him, how he's never going to let him get away from him, while Daichi weeps and blood falls where Suga’s hand clutches at his waist. He kisses the cuts afterward, helps him clean up. 

Sometimes, the three of them, him, Dai and Asahi, wake up early in the days when they're allowed to go out, and they just lie back and enjoy the sun and cling to each other.

Suga has never been  _ in love,  _ he doesn't think. That's such a mundane phrasing. It sounds temporary and harmless. It's for the outside people, who are allowed to lock their doors and go out whenever they want and wear long-sleeved clothes.

“Do  _ you  _ think it's my way of saying I'm in love?” he retorts.

“No,” Shimizu confesses. “That kind of thing would be far too simple for someone like you. I'm sure it goes deeper than that.”

_ It does. _

Suga loves Daichi, in a very convoluted, fucked up way that destroys both of them more and more every day. He’s not sure when it happened - he knows Daichi has always had  _ something _ for him, always let his eyes linger a bit longer than necessary, always shivered a bit more when he was around, he’s not stupid and he realized it long before Tooru whispered that knowledge to him one time they were at the library. But he doesn’t know exactly when  _ he _ started noticing Daichi in turn. 

He began to  _ notice _ . Daichi’s favored way of having his coffee, the time he wakes up every day, the schedule of his individual sessions, how he relaxes when he leans in against Asahi, the way he combs his hair and the songs he sings sometimes when he’s in the shower, the way he looks after crying himself to sleep (so maybe Suga’s a bit of a stalker. It’s hardly the worst thing he’s ever done).

Then he realized.  _ I’d love to see him broken. _

So he set out to break him, because Suga can never play with his toys without destroying them - he’d rather see the rotten insides than the handsome outsides. 

And then, some time later.  _ Maybe, if we were out there, I’d love him as much as he loves me.  _

Because Daichi’s a masochist who gets attached to pretty, sadistic, cruel things, which means he loves Suga so badly it physically aches sometimes. They’re the most perfect match to ever come out of a mental hospital. 

And then, the morning after the first time they fucked for hours in a night when Asahi went over to Kenma’s ward to spend the night with Noya, Suga woke up with Daichi’s arm still draped around his waist and the view of Daichi’s shoulders torn by the ferocity with which he dragged his nails down his skin.  _ I love him. _

That was not the plan. And Suga hates everything that doesn’t go according to his plans.

He decides he’s done with this subject. He needs to think about it carefully and he doesn’t want to go through the entire thought process while sitting in front of Shimizu staring at him with those careful eyes over her tasteful little glasses. 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he says, and he knows that’s as good as an admittance where he’s involved, but he also won’t give his psychiatrist the satisfaction of hearing him say it out loud. 

Shimizu nods, understanding but not forgiving. She straightens the papers in front of her absent-mindedly. “Okay. But we will talk about it soon, whether you want to or not. I’m sure you know the things you do to Daichi are affecting him terribly. You’re seriously delaying the possibility of his release. I’m not sure if you care about it either way, but keep that in mind.”  

Suga gets up as soon as he’s dismissed and heads to Asahi and Daichi’s shared bedroom. When he gets there, he’s immediately assaulted by a sensation of ease he doesn’t get from anywhere else in the building. The window is open, the soft sunlight of the late afternoon streaming in and making the room pleasantly warm. Asahi is bundled up in lots of blankets on the top bunker, apparently writing the book report for this week. Daichi, on the bottom bunker, has his eyes closed and his head on a pillow, earphones on and probably listening to those long lo-fi hip-hop playlists he finds on Spotify. 

Suga doesn’t want to bother, which is a first. He wants to think and cuddle while he does it, so he walks up to Daichi and pokes him on the nose.

Daichi opens his eyes and smiles up at him. “Hey.” 

His voice is low and pleased - he’s lazy and warm and Suga envies him. Not even he is so destructive to the point of wanting to ruin a day that’s obviously so good to him. 

“Hey. I wanna cuddle,” he says, and Daichi smiles a bit wider. 

“Come here, then.” 

Suga lies down next to him and rests his head on his chest. His breathing is relaxing, and his heartbeat is strong and relieving. 

“I talked with Shimizu today,” Suga comments. Daichi starts caressing his hair gently. 

“Hm?” 

“She said I was destroying you. That you were getting worse because of me.”

Suga internally wonders if he cares. If he's taking so long to reach a conclusion because he genuinely cares for Daichi's well-being or because he wants to keep him just fucked up enough to never ever leave. He presses a kiss over Daichi's gentle heart. 

“Why can't you be like this always?” Daichi mumbles, hand trailing down to trail his fingers over Suga's spine. 

Suga scoffs. “You’d never love me if I were like this all the time.”

“Hm, probably true.” a beat of silence. “Maybe I'm getting worse. It's okay, though."

"How is that okay?"

"I love you more than I love the idea of getting better."

Suga rewards that answer with a deep kiss on Daichi's lips before making himself comfortable and allowing his brain to drift off into a nap. It's easy to be a shrike whose prey clings lovingly to the thorn while being killed, but he doesn't think Daichi quite counts as a prey anymore. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> (daichi is very much still a victim suga is just too fucked up in the head to understand it)
> 
> i recently got back into haikyuu and then i remembered this au i wrote over a year ago and then i was like huh. those two have a lot of writing potential dont they
> 
> i think this still remains my favorite au tbh


End file.
